Tour of New Braunfels

Now there's a well organized echelon.
Well It couldn't have sucked any worser for me my friends. Saturdays road race found me late to the start with a broken valve stem and a mega-full bladder. I spent the entire time on the very back looking to drain the vein. I don't need to tell you what its like to be the last wheel in a windy race with lots of 90 degree turns, but it was all I could do as all pedal strokes crated a very distracting pain. I will probably need a liver transplant. I finally forced it out on the last lap. I celebrated with a fist pump towards the follow car who had been watching my plight from the gun. I was victorious before the race was even finished. I managed to avoid the pile up at the sprint and finish 21st, one spot behind any points of course.
I rode the motor-bike out to Sundays crit with as many clothes as I could wear and still walk and move my arms a little. I left the house a bit late and drove 80mph in the freezing cold. I was nearly there when all of a sudden I had to pee real bad. I pulled over and began frantically fumbling with the obstacles to my penis, only to discover my awesome new skinsuit underneath everything. More frantic fumbling followed, plus an eruption of blood from a very fresh open wound on my finger which took some time to stop. Too much time. All while this struggling was going on I managed to accidentally phone my friend and coach Tom P. He quickly phoned Jennifer to tell her I just called him, but all he could hear was the sound of me grunting in pain and cussing from the side of the road. I was defeated before the race ever began.
Fortunately I was able to unload some of this rage with a few games of bowling for Eli's birthday. I was able to achieve a top speed of 21.57 mph. I think it was even a strike! Very satisfying. We knocked backed some white Russians to boot. It's the little things.