Fredricksburgh

This remix pretty much sums up my feelings on the Kraut Town Road Race.
(Listen to it while you read for full experience.)

Patricio was in the form you want to be in for an early 2 man break after the KOM hill. I was just behind them in no mans land for a spell but resigned to return to the comforts of the peleton. Of course I was going for that first KOM, but also had reservations about attacking my mate. I ran false tempo, but the breakees were inevitably groupo compacto'ed. I knew correctly faking it when someone accused me of chasing the break, which I was happy to let them think that I was so stupidly doing. Some fitter folks called the bluff and picked up the pace. After catching the break my next mission was to cover all the puny attacks that were to follow.
Coming into the second and final lap all I could think about was my Coke in the feed zone. As we approached I rode up to Best Young Rider and War on Drugs veteran James Dayo. My instructions were to block the road from all attacks coming into the feed. Just as we were conspiring there was an attack and surge. Enraged, I raced to the front to kill the momentum. As I was about to give the instigator a piece of my sugar deprived mind I noticed it was friend of the team Eric Hess riding for Austin Bikes. I told him what a dick he was and he apologized saying he didn't know about the feed zone. Oh, I dropped my Coke anyway.

No hard feelings Eric. Your one of the good ones.

Near the red kite I was up front and feeling great. I should have attacked out of the last low water crossing and rammed it into the final k, 'cause that's the way I like it baby I don't wanna live forever. Instead I ended up to early in the sprint on the wrong side of the road . There was an official standing up the road in front of me waving a yellow flag, so I drifted back to find a hole. He looked as if he were preparing to body check me if I did not comply. Noncompliance would have disqualified Patricio's 4th also. Which, by the way, he almost disqualified himself for by littering, but he was only handing out autographed pictures of his win at Ft. Davis, Which he is now famous throughout the hill country for.

Ft. Davis

I arrive at Ft. Davis,
prepared for battle by altitude training on the moon, (It has more vegetation and atmosphere than you may think. Those fake moon landing photographs you may have seen look nothing like the real thing.) and doing lactate intervals while holding my breath.



This is where an Apache might have spied on the soldiers moments before cutting their throats.

Desert flower



Me,Patricio, and Kemot enjoy intimate moments, recovering from the hill climb. They are very sensual lovers and had many partners during the weekend.



Team co-captain, soigneur, and nutritionist Juan Cool prepared sweet potatoes and popcorn-scorpions the eve before Patricio would ride to sweet victory.
I won 16th out of about 50, for what it's worth.

Hammerfest Destiny

According to legend, I was born the same year Eddy Merckx was punched in the stomach during the Tour de France to prevent him from beating Jacques Anquetil's record of 5 Tour wins. I like moving forward, which must make me a Progressive. Glenn Beck discovered that Progressivism is really Fascism, which means Conservatism is code for Racism.
Racist purism led to a fort being built near the Davis Mountains in west Texas in service of the messy business of Manifest Destiny. Since I'm a Fascist I want to take away my opponents freedom to win the Ft. Davis Hammerfest.

Take a closer look at these two pictures:

Now look at this Peyote induced bead art from a Huichol Indian:

Take a closer look at the detail:

Now look at this:

Fayettville

Sick with a head cold, I arrive at the cozy ranch house late Friday night to find Patricio, Tiki, and Jamie watching 'O Brother where art thou?

Sat RR:
7:30am, 68miles, 3 laps, thunderstorms expected. The roll out is sketchy and stupid. 2 hours in comes the NW storm front. Most flatted, some quit. The follow vehicles decide to park in the middle of the road for the race to dodge. I make it through and feel great after warming up on the hill on the last lap. Me, Tiki, and Griz are there. I flat at the top of the hill. No wheel truck. Forced to hitchhike into town to find Mateo half naked and nearly dead in the truck. I debate for 30 warm minutes weather to grab his wheels and do another lap and a half to be eligible for following stages. Negative.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, While the survivors head off for the TT, I watched Hincapie's win at the 2001 Gent-Wevelgem, then packed up and rode home against the fierce wind.

Ronde Von Manor & Manda

So according to my holy training bible I'm supposed to be at peak form. According to the law of nature I'm at my worst form; suffering from allergies and sinus infections. Spewing mucus to and fro. It's almost as if I'm a plant and snot is my pollen. I showered some poor bastard with the entire contents of my nasal cavity at Manor.
Manor:
3/4 race, 60 miles, 5 laps, 12:30pm, sunny, light SE wind. Did everything by the book. Ate 2 hours before, warmed up for 20 minutes. I'm not fully recovered from a head cold though. Got in a break on the 3rd lap with 4 guys. Didn't stick even a lap. No counter. Stayed up front most of the time. Not pushing to hard exept up the hill and around the finish turn into the wind. Race was stopped before the hill on last lap to let the Pro race lap us. Legs lock up during lead into sprint. First time to cramp. DFL. Ghost burger was excellent.
Manda:
same, same, strong NW winds. Tired, sore, disgruntled. Saw Griz up from during a fast tailwind section on first lap and went for the solo victory. Lost sight of peleton. Caught soon after turn into wind. No counter. Griz flats. Slow single file. Hard to follow wheels and not cross center-line. Attacks into wind shatter group after 3rd lap. Felt unusually strong during bridges. Need to herd better though. Too much bridging takes it's tool. A flatted Griz catches me. Head down, shouting at the top of his lungs "C'mon Jessay! I latched on for a couple pedals. I was cooked with 2 laps to go.

Not much packed in my suitcase of courage for the HammerFest.

Thoughts on LagoVista

Hello friends,
I hope your reading Tom and Mateo, Since your the only two interested in my career.

Two days of La Primavera Cat2/3:

Day 1:
Huge Mammoth field, 6 or 7 I think. Director sportiff JB Wheeler applies war zinc oxide to everybody's face. His medicine was not strong enough for me as I broke a spoke on lap 1 of 11. Patrick was in a break for nine laps but fell off.
Lesson learned: Don't use different gauge spokes on 20 spoke wheels.

Day 2:
Warm and windy. Now riding front wheel with another odd spoke from Lee. 10 man break mid race with one Mammoth Chris Trickey. I killed myself riding "false" tempo up front and fell off 3 or 4 laps to go. Mostly killed from not wanting to cross center line in cross winds as would disqualify entire team. Trickey would not be happy with that news as he crossed the line in tenth place after fighting to hang on the break.
Lesson learned: "Discourage" the man in front of you on the wrong side of the line from getting back in.

International Assasination Ring

Suspicions of an international conspiracy are thought to lead to the assassination attempt of Team Wooly Mammoth super domestique Kamot Baginski. It is believed that the same elite hit team who recently carried out the assasination of a top Hamas commander in Dubai are connected with the attempt on Baginski. Here they are in Dubai posing as tennis jerks.


Fortunately for the super star cycling hero, Kamot survived the murder attempt with only a broken tooth and a few stitches. His bike suffered minor cosmetic front end damage.



Questions arise as to weather the plane that crashed into Giuseppe Von Slatesonvalds north Austin offices Thursday morning is also linked to the death squad. Slatesonvald was quoted "I had bad feeling and left office. My instinct was a bit premature however as I left there four years ago, blessings be to Oden."

Authorities have begun a full criminal investigation. Suspects range from any number of jealous opponents of Austins racing teams, especially those well financed by telecom and medical companies.