Pro Cat 4 Bicycle Diary

If you get rad on a tree in the woods and no one is there to see it , did you really get rad?

2011-12-14T08:28:00.000-08:00

Friends, I've won couple pro cat four cross races this season.
Stefan Rothe has befriended me on a social media site, I'm going to add that to my season results if I ever decide to upgrade. Of course I'm going to sandbag until UCI forces me to cat up as directed by my life coach Pool Side.

The victory ride home from Webberville-X was enhanced by Jamaican Gold, which got a signal boost from KOOP's tower in Hornsby Bend, So I got a few extra miles of good vibrations. My recovery supplements took the edge off some of those vibes. I was in good, deer friends.

Here's my bro Coyote Mercury's blog about his birding adventure at some of the ponds that the Bend supports.

Manda Butterball Style

2011-03-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

Manda is as close to a Belgian day race that there is in Central Texas I suppose. Set in rural, working poor country, settled by Swedish immigrants.

There are long flat stretches along treeless wind swept fields. It's seems to always be windy and overcast.

Generally the race gets strung out as the wind plucks riders off the back like a John Deere combine harvester or something like that, and comes down to a survivors finish. I had the luck to be a survivor and finish in the top 10 this year.

P.S. All the other 2011 spring classix were marred by mediocrity:

Tour of NewBraunfels
Survived the winds and finished with the selection.
Allsatian
Formerly a classic road race turned suburban sprawl circuit race.
Recklessly lead the charge up the finishing hill. Swallowed by the pack across the line
PaceBend/Walburg
Did about 5 minutes of each due to injury from improperly carrying heavy objects by bicycle.
LaPrimaVera
Pack finish both days.
Fayetteville
Saturday; Pack finish for RoadRace and middle of TT (6.6miles@16:20) sitting top 20 in GC at the end of the day. Following the advise of my director's sportiff's to be more aggressive this season, I cursed the entire field for passing me over the yellow line, while I elbowed my way to the front before the final turn.
Sunday; I found myself in a 5 man break for 2 laps with 2 min on the field which eventually caught us and spit me off the back before the finish.
Manor
Woolly Mammoth and Party Time animated this race. Lots of attacks and a 5th field sprint, 12th overall. The last K's covering the talented Jaime Dayo, who did not disappoint, with a bike throw for 4th. Party Time took the win in a 2 man break ahead of Jaime's 5 men.

P.P.S.
A clean machine.

Sherief on the dang T.V.

2011-02-03T19:56:00.000-08:00

Some of you may know Sherief. He's handy at any shanty bike shop teardown function.
He's a fine Randoneerman.
He' skipping school now to visit his family in Egypt.
He's missing some very exciting times in Austin with the weather and things.

That's a black eye to be proud of. Still pretty too. Kinda reminds me of some bike wrecks I've known.

Jenny's slippery train tracks. Man, was that one hard to watch unfold.

Greg's uneven train tracks
Maureen's hit and run.
It's a struggle sometimes.

Looking Pro

2011-01-07T05:24:00.000-08:00

My interpretation of "dressing up" for 4th grade graduation.

Shoes: White
Socks: UP
Jams two-piece: Rocking hard
Hair: Feathered

Thank Bejezus there was a photographer!

P.S. I'm the kid in the front row third from the left

I felt the need to stand out from the crowd at an early age.

Fredricksburgh

2010-06-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

This remix pretty much sums up my feelings on the Kraut Town Road Race.
(Listen to it while you read for full experience.)

Patricio was in the form you want to be in for an early 2 man break after the KOM hill. I was just behind them in no mans land for a spell but resigned to return to the comforts of the peleton. Of course I was going for that first KOM, but also had reservations about attacking my mate. I ran false tempo, but the breakees were inevitably groupo compacto'ed. I knew correctly faking it when someone accused me of chasing the break, which I was happy to let them think that I was so stupidly doing. Some fitter folks called the bluff and picked up the pace. After catching the break my next mission was to cover all the puny attacks that were to follow.
Coming into the second and final lap all I could think about was my Coke in the feed zone. As we approached I rode up to Best Young Rider and War on Drugs veteran James Dayo. My instructions were to block the road from all attacks coming into the feed. Just as we were conspiring there was an attack and surge. Enraged, I raced to the front to kill the momentum. As I was about to give the instigator a piece of my sugar deprived mind I noticed it was friend of the team Eric Hess riding for Austin Bikes. I told him what a dick he was and he apologized saying he didn't know about the feed zone. Oh, I dropped my Coke anyway.

No hard feelings Eric. Your one of the good ones.

Near the red kite I was up front and feeling great. I should have attacked out of the last low water crossing and rammed it into the final k, 'cause that's the way I like it baby I don't wanna live forever. Instead I ended up to early in the sprint on the wrong side of the road . There was an official standing up the road in front of me waving a yellow flag, so I drifted back to find a hole. He looked as if he were preparing to body check me if I did not comply. Noncompliance would have disqualified Patricio's 4th also. Which, by the way, he almost disqualified himself for by littering, but he was only handing out autographed pictures of his win at Ft. Davis, Which he is now famous throughout the hill country for.

Ft. Davis

2010-04-27T13:54:00.001-07:00

I arrive at Ft. Davis,
prepared for battle by altitude training on the moon, (It has more vegetation and atmosphere than you may think. Those fake moon landing photographs you may have seen look nothing like the real thing.) and doing lactate intervals while holding my breath.

This is where an Apache might have spied on the soldiers moments before cutting their throats.

Desert flower

Me,Patricio, and Kemot enjoy intimate moments, recovering from the hill climb. They are very sensual lovers and had many partners during the weekend.

Team co-captain, soigneur, and nutritionist Juan Cool prepared sweet potatoes and popcorn-scorpions the eve before Patricio would ride to sweet victory.
I won 16th out of about 50, for what it's worth.

Hammerfest Destiny

2010-04-05T10:15:00.000-07:00

According to legend, I was born the same year Eddy Merckx was punched in the stomach during the Tour de France to prevent him from beating Jacques Anquetil's record of 5 Tour wins. I like moving forward, which must make me a Progressive. Glenn Beck discovered that Progressivism is really Fascism, which means Conservatism is code for Racism.
Racist purism led to a fort being built near the Davis Mountains in west Texas in service of the messy business of Manifest Destiny. Since I'm a Fascist I want to take away my opponents freedom to win the Ft. Davis Hammerfest.

Take a closer look at these two pictures:

Now look at this Peyote induced bead art from a Huichol Indian:

Take a closer look at the detail:

Now look at this:

Fayettville

2010-03-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

Sick with a head cold, I arrive at the cozy ranch house late Friday night to find Patricio, Tiki, and Jamie watching 'O Brother where art thou?

Sat RR:
7:30am, 68miles, 3 laps, thunderstorms expected. The roll out is sketchy and stupid. 2 hours in comes the NW storm front. Most flatted, some quit. The follow vehicles decide to park in the middle of the road for the race to dodge. I make it through and feel great after warming up on the hill on the last lap. Me, Tiki, and Griz are there. I flat at the top of the hill. No wheel truck. Forced to hitchhike into town to find Mateo half naked and nearly dead in the truck. I debate for 30 warm minutes weather to grab his wheels and do another lap and a half to be eligible for following stages. Negative.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, While the survivors head off for the TT, I watched Hincapie's win at the 2001 Gent-Wevelgem, then packed up and rode home against the fierce wind.

Ronde Von Manor & Manda

2010-03-29T09:23:00.000-07:00

So according to my holy training bible I'm supposed to be at peak form. According to the law of nature I'm at my worst form; suffering from allergies and sinus infections. Spewing mucus to and fro. It's almost as if I'm a plant and snot is my pollen. I showered some poor bastard with the entire contents of my nasal cavity at Manor.
Manor:
3/4 race, 60 miles, 5 laps, 12:30pm, sunny, light SE wind. Did everything by the book. Ate 2 hours before, warmed up for 20 minutes. I'm not fully recovered from a head cold though. Got in a break on the 3rd lap with 4 guys. Didn't stick even a lap. No counter. Stayed up front most of the time. Not pushing to hard exept up the hill and around the finish turn into the wind. Race was stopped before the hill on last lap to let the Pro race lap us. Legs lock up during lead into sprint. First time to cramp. DFL. Ghost burger was excellent.
Manda:
same, same, strong NW winds. Tired, sore, disgruntled. Saw Griz up from during a fast tailwind section on first lap and went for the solo victory. Lost sight of peleton. Caught soon after turn into wind. No counter. Griz flats. Slow single file. Hard to follow wheels and not cross center-line. Attacks into wind shatter group after 3rd lap. Felt unusually strong during bridges. Need to herd better though. Too much bridging takes it's tool. A flatted Griz catches me. Head down, shouting at the top of his lungs "C'mon Jessay! I latched on for a couple pedals. I was cooked with 2 laps to go.

Not much packed in my suitcase of courage for the HammerFest.

Thoughts on LagoVista

2010-03-11T06:50:00.000-08:00

Hello friends,
I hope your reading Tom and Mateo, Since your the only two interested in my career.

Two days of La Primavera Cat2/3:

Day 1:
Huge Mammoth field, 6 or 7 I think. Director sportiff JB Wheeler applies war zinc oxide to everybody's face. His medicine was not strong enough for me as I broke a spoke on lap 1 of 11. Patrick was in a break for nine laps but fell off.
Lesson learned: Don't use different gauge spokes on 20 spoke wheels.

Day 2:
Warm and windy. Now riding front wheel with another odd spoke from Lee. 10 man break mid race with one Mammoth Chris Trickey. I killed myself riding "false" tempo up front and fell off 3 or 4 laps to go. Mostly killed from not wanting to cross center line in cross winds as would disqualify entire team. Trickey would not be happy with that news as he crossed the line in tenth place after fighting to hang on the break.
Lesson learned: "Discourage" the man in front of you on the wrong side of the line from getting back in.

International Assasination Ring

2010-02-18T10:55:00.000-08:00

Suspicions of an international conspiracy are thought to lead to the assassination attempt of Team Wooly Mammoth super domestique Kamot Baginski. It is believed that the same elite hit team who recently carried out the assasination of a top Hamas commander in Dubai are connected with the attempt on Baginski. Here they are in Dubai posing as tennis jerks.

Fortunately for the super star cycling hero, Kamot survived the murder attempt with only a broken tooth and a few stitches. His bike suffered minor cosmetic front end damage.

Questions arise as to weather the plane that crashed into Giuseppe Von Slatesonvalds north Austin offices Thursday morning is also linked to the death squad. Slatesonvald was quoted "I had bad feeling and left office. My instinct was a bit premature however as I left there four years ago, blessings be to Oden."

Authorities have begun a full criminal investigation. Suspects range from any number of jealous opponents of Austins racing teams, especially those well financed by telecom and medical companies.

Tour of New Braunfels

2010-02-01T12:07:00.000-08:00

Now there's a well organized echelon.
Well It couldn't have sucked any worser for me my friends. Saturdays road race found me late to the start with a broken valve stem and a mega-full bladder. I spent the entire time on the very back looking to drain the vein. I don't need to tell you what its like to be the last wheel in a windy race with lots of 90 degree turns, but it was all I could do as all pedal strokes crated a very distracting pain. I will probably need a liver transplant. I finally forced it out on the last lap. I celebrated with a fist pump towards the follow car who had been watching my plight from the gun. I was victorious before the race was even finished. I managed to avoid the pile up at the sprint and finish 21st, one spot behind any points of course.
I rode the motor-bike out to Sundays crit with as many clothes as I could wear and still walk and move my arms a little. I left the house a bit late and drove 80mph in the freezing cold. I was nearly there when all of a sudden I had to pee real bad. I pulled over and began frantically fumbling with the obstacles to my penis, only to discover my awesome new skinsuit underneath everything. More frantic fumbling followed, plus an eruption of blood from a very fresh open wound on my finger which took some time to stop. Too much time. All while this struggling was going on I managed to accidentally phone my friend and coach Tom P. He quickly phoned Jennifer to tell her I just called him, but all he could hear was the sound of me grunting in pain and cussing from the side of the road. I was defeated before the race ever began.
Fortunately I was able to unload some of this rage with a few games of bowling for Eli's birthday. I was able to achieve a top speed of 21.57 mph. I think it was even a strike! Very satisfying. We knocked backed some white Russians to boot. It's the little things.

GO HARD OR GO HOME HARD!

2010-01-08T13:33:00.000-08:00

Rode 3 hours in John Aeili's Arctic-lectekos cold front yesterday. Convicts cleaning up Burleson rd. below the airport heckled me. I love indiscernible yelling. I arrived home frozen stiff. Here's some pictures from Mexico where I spent the last 2 weeks NOT riding a bike in the cold.

Desert Pin Striping...

2009-12-01T12:39:00.000-08:00

...is what the locals call it at Big Bend Ranch. I found and old horse shoe, but lost it on the way home. Maybe the luck will be strong enough to keep the rental car company from noticing the bumper that I smashed into a giant boulder.
Brutal. Full speed ahead through sandy washes and white thorn acacia.

Steer clear of Ocatio. Unless your building a fence.

Somehow we floated out of our bodies over the desert below.
Day break in the Chiuauan desert. Light rain through the night erupted the Creasote fragrence into the air.

Season in Review

2009-11-02T12:49:00.000-08:00

Hello my friends,

The pre-season begins

Randonneuring central Texas with Texans
Belgian cuisine
Prepared Texas style
Me and Jennifer on pilgrimage to obtain blessing from elders.

We meet a lost tribe of Belgians in St. Mary, Ohio who resupplied us with embrocations and creams. In gratitude we created a mosaic depicting Icelandic Sagas.

Real West Virginians succeed were maps fail.

The Journey was often hard...
...and narrow
...soggy
...and beautiful
After reaching the homelands we appeased the elders with our first born...

...dressed in Team Wooly Mammoth's 2010 team kit.
They were very pleased......and presented us with a 1975 Yamaha XS650

Which became the race-mobile.
But something went horribly wrong and I fell much out of form.
I consulted the sages.
Form was established

Honor was restored

The child traded away for the Yamaha escaped and found her way to Texas for revenge,In exchange for the chords to stairway to heaven she let me live.
THE END

Bonus Product review section!

Schwalbe Ultremos!
The complete opposite end of the spectrum from their Marathons.

Best race bike fenders:
http://www.bikeradar.com/news/article/just-in-crud-roadracer-22881

Best epic Euro band:
http://sagaontour.moonfruit.com/#/music-videos-1/4532915164

Podium

2009-06-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

Not too proud to post a 3rd place Driveway Crit 4/5 race podium shot, especially if the same guys won the 3/4 race. The expression is one of sheer relieving myself.
My rival was in this race. He put up a good fight as usual. I haven't done the 4/5 in a year. It brought back some great memories. Pasty white hairy legs, seat bags, loosing half a dozen people to the ditch around every corner. I thank every one of them for putting me on my first Driveway Podium.

The Rival

2009-03-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

He's as cunning as a harassed squirrel, as ruthless as an agitated duck, as relentless as a disrupted fire ant. He will cut you from naval to neck and drag your lower intestines across the finish line. Nothing seems to quench his thirst for ruthless victory.
I'm getting old. 24. He's not even 13 and has more Pro Cat Four in him in one season than some of the most hardened and grizzled amateur bike racers. He takes the chances that I never would have, sens pubic hair. He has huge, heavily forested, proverbial BALLS.
When you cat up; kudos to you kiddo. Until then, watch your hairless backside!

Alsatian Country Omnium

2009-02-09T11:28:00.000-08:00

SATURDAYS CRIT:

Spanish racing sensation Nicolas Andres Ibarra, "The Old Man", stormed off from the gun apparently in an effort to lap the field before the first lap was over. Nico was pulled back after loosing time shaving his legs in the Medina River.The Grizza tried to hide out and go for the sprint, but the sprint teams couldn't miss the young stars 8 foot frame weaving through the pack. I was no help at all since I abandonded the race to sign autographs for the star stricken tifosi. Handsome young Grizzaldo was 1st across the line, but his front wheel was 5th.

SUNDAYS RR:
The pro cat four Team Wooly Mammoth squad made the start red eyed and groggy from a late night sponsorship party that ended us entertaining the the podium girls in Mathew O'Morreys pop up trailer. Wooly Mammoth Betty "Bellissimo" Hodges showed up with T. Boonen and the party kicked into high gear. The team Soigneur is prepared for just such "incidents" and we were ready to go by morning. Of course Nico being a traditional naturalist refused any "enhancements". He struggled just to stay awake. I broke away into the wind early and took 3 with me. Grizza and Nico blocked the pack by joining hands and jamming on the brakes. I could have easily gone away solo, but I'm working on pack sprints. Griz, having been informed of my intentions, dropped the beaten down pack and chased on to the lead group for nearly 100 miles solo only to blow himself out for me 2 meters from the line. My Rival is as cunning as a grey fox and as ferocious as a cornered possum and he nipped me at the line by a beard hair. The day was his, but we will soon meet again meet again.

San Marcos Randonneur

2008-11-06T06:34:00.000-08:00

Crossing the hell-scape of 130 destroyer of beauty and tranquility.

Ben's Pinarello

Jennifer's Torpado

Josh's Stephen Roche

Eli's 1000.00

Me TCR-Zero
1978 record front
2008 record rear
Veloce

Sherief's Allegre

San Marcos

Fall Base Miles

2008-10-21T13:12:00.000-07:00

This is the first season I have taken training seriously. I bought the 90's edition of the "Cyclist Training Bible", a heart rate monitor, and have started lifting weights. I'm also serious about saving money, so the book and the H.R.M. were bought second hand, and the weights are cinder-blocks on the ends of a cedar post.
I've done a couple centuries. One accidental, by getting lost around Turnersville where all the roads are called Tunersville and are very turny, and one intentional ride to Gruene and back with Ben, Nick, and Tom F.,Where we met up with K.B. in San Marcos on the way back. My bottom bracket came loose in San Marcos. Luckily there was a shop open. I told the guy " Just tighten it down". He can't get past that none of my components are supposed to be compatible with each other. After an hour of the poor bastard tryin to "fix it right" he brings it back to me "just tightened down". I'll just use a rock and a screw neck time.
So we hustled it back to Austin just before dark but poor 'ol Benny Boy bonked real hard right after crossing onion creek on Old San Antonio road. I recommend a root-beer float and potatoes for lunch not cheeseburgers.